Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
