So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i think i have two assholes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT