He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
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Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.