so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
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Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.