Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
