i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think my moral compass just broke
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
