i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
