I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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