I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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