I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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