How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
A bitchslap is in order.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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