btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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