last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
