I puked a lego.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
