Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
