Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I am spending my child support on dildos
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
