check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
