Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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