Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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