Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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