i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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