He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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