The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
