WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
