blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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