I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
