So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
