im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
