It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
