Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
