I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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