im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
