genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize