I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
