Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
