Don't make out with my wife yet
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
