Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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