There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
