How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
