Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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