This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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