You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
