You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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