drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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