what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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