I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
my being single is dangerous.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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