I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
