Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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