you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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