dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
