I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
