I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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