why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
