Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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