Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
