Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
