my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
